Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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