I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
