Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
