The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
