ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
