u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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