..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
