Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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