Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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