Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
