Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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