I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
