I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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