he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
