She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
