The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
