Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
