It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
