Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
