clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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