literally had 100 drinks last night.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
