I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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