Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
