just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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