Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i out mim tonsoeep
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
