I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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