Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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