my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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