What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
