Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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