found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
