I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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