I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
