i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
