i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
