He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize