If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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