i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
