I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
only you would photoshop your dick
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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