I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
