im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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