franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
