I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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