I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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