Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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