i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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