theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
