Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just google imaged poop.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My bed smells like the plague
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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