I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
