you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
