how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
