You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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