Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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