One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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