the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
