I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
