She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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