hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
