Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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