if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So gin and wine won't be happening again
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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