connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just pee around me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
