My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
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I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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