I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
