I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
