i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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